her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
