dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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