Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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