apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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