I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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