I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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