I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
