My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
