I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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