I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
