My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
