I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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