I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
