Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
where does the pee come out of this thing
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
