I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
