She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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