I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
do herpes really smell.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
