Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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