He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
