He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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