does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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