She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
