I will die if light touches me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
