My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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