I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
