i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
