I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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