You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
