I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
