Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
