the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
