remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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