If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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