It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She even gives head with a lisp.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
