he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So squirting runs in the family.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
