i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think weed is turning my hair brown
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
