In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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