Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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