he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
