we're blogging at a bar
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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