She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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