my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
