smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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