ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
