I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woke up backwards on a recliner
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