i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
