I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
