i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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