I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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