atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
