she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
