kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Randomize
