what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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