Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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